Thoughts of a confused man

After many and countless therapy and group therapy sessions, I have not been able yet to answer the question who am I? And what's my worth?

And so my low self worth haunts me like a never ending battle with my shadow self. And somehow I create a false attraction to other guys... More like what I call a overwhelming admiration of someone I barely know and that one person. And if he even so much as recognises my existence my entire day was made.

And so my last hope is to figure out, who am I and how can I better myself so that I can relieve myself of this monster inside.

life in slow motion.

all day, all i do is focus on what i'm doing. I encase myself  in my selfishness and never pay attention to the beauty of the world. i realized that  if you ever take a walk in beautiful weather or rainy you should just take a minute to enjoy the beauty of it because if you do you will put yourself in your inner serenity and you find joy that  is a very rare feeling.

where can you find this feeling?

what is it about sex?

what is it about sex that is so... "must have"? I mean after we are done want to have more (and guys let's face it that IS what we think about all day). After every time it happens i feel unsatisfied and depressed. But, at the same time i want more. It is like a bad smoking addiction that makes no sense and eats you up from inside. All i want is to be normal (what is normal?). a complete abstinent person. One that doesn't think about it all the time. one that has complete peace of mind and confidence.

 I have these all these strange feelings (ex: i know when a girl is hot but i also know when a guy is hot). how does one control his primitive sexual feelings. i want to be straight not bisexual, not gay, i want to be as straight as an arrow and yet i'm not? so the ultimate and final closing questions are can one control his/her sexuality? can one choose what to feel? and where does religion fit into all of this?